Thursday, January 27, 2011

there has to be a witty quote about therapy somewhere

Internet, Mike broke up with me again.  Or, I should say, he tried to.

He started out by saying "I'm not the guy you want me to be.  I'm never going to be the guy you want me to be.  I don't want to be the guy you want me to be.  It's not fair for me to be the guy I am and try to hold you here."

I followed up by saying, "Don't give me that bullshit - you have no idea what kind of guy you are or what kind of guy you want to be.  You're the guy who got stoned and played video games...and then when you couldn't do that anymore, you just stopped doing anything."

He countered with "Well, yeah, but I like it that way."

And I was all "Dude, whatever - just make a choice and call the play."

I think we're both right.

There are a lot of things I don't know about the guy I want.  I don't know what he likes to do on the weekends or if he likes to cook or where he wants to live or what he does for a living.  The things I do know I want are hit and miss with Mike.  I want someone who is generous.  Hit.  I want someone who likes to try new things, but doesn't need it like a lifeline (or at least doesn't need me to do it with them.)  Miss.  I want someone who gets me - my jokes, my references, my wit, my outlook, my interests.  Hit. Most importantly - I want someone who is going to be financially stable and I want someone who doesn't try to bolt for the door every time I take a step forward.  Those...well those are two big targets sailing right by him at the moment.

I suggested a couple of options as he was running down his melt down - talking about tearing himself down and starting over from scratch, building some independence of his own.  I suggested that he leave - that he go ahead and do what he wanted, the relationship dissolved.  I suggested that he stay and take a minute to think things through.  I suggested that he leave - strike out on his own and that we behave like any other couple - like a couple who hadn't been together for ten years...that he move out and get himself a place and that we date, like regular people our...well, okay my age do.  Eventually, when I got sick of not being answered, of watching him get all wishey-washey, playing with my life in the future, I made a move for the door to tell my leasing officer I needed a few more weeks to decide if I was going to extend the lease or not because things were...tenuous and all of a sudden things became incredibly clear to him and he no longer wanted to leave anymore, he no longer wanted me to go anywhere and he just wanted to go back.

He wants to go to NA, to learn to cope with his addictive behavior.  He wants his own financial independence - to work and to manage his own money and savings, to exist separately from me where money is concerned.  He wants to break up with Nate - the other half of his dysfunctional friendship.  He wants to try to figure out who he is and what he wants to be.  He wants to find a new therapist - someone who will hold him accountable.

Internet, I feel like a bad person for saying this - but i'm not really interested in that.  It might be the anger talking - I never put it past myself to say things out of frustration, even if they're only spoken into the ether - but i'm annoyed.  Ten years of doing this have made me bitter.  If there were someone willing to take the bet, I would put down a gaurentee that he won't make it through the steps, if he goes at all.  I would bet that his idea of figuring out who he is will involve a good deal of reading and planning in the beginning and a whole lot of nothing when it comes time to actually do things and that his 'financial independence' will not only rapidly become financial ruin, but that his new therapist is going to be one of the first cuts.

What I'm going to say next makes me an even worse person, because not only do I believe all of that with no hesitation, but I also don't believe we're going to make it another six months, and - for today - i'm not terribly interested in trying.  Right now, I need him.  There are so many things in my life I rely on him for and I am far too dependent on his many roles in my life to risk being without him, but his last foree into experimenting with the single life made me keenly aware that if I'm ever going to be happy - with or without him - I need to take a few giant steps in the other direction and define myself outside of him, cut those tethers and then see where we are.  And, internet, I think that's going to look a lot like "Honey, this whole living together thing isn't doing it for me.  For both of our sakes, one of us needs to move out.  We can still have sleepovers and stuff, but I need my own space and you need yours."

Don't get me wrong, there is a part of me that hopes he'll take his big step out into the world and he'll be a huge success - that somehow all of these years of frugality and spendthrifiness will have paid off and he'll be able to plan for the big things.  But there are so many experiences and so many years behind us that make me think this adventure will amount to disaster, and that I'm not really willing to put humpty dumpty back together again.

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